IF you’re a comedian and you’re not funny, you better be likeable, and if you’re not likeable, you better avoid being radioactively smug.
But if you can’t even do that then you’re probably Nish Kumar and there’s no real need to worry.
For as long as the BBC remains a going concern you’ll be hosting The Mash Report, which has been doing Auntie’s dirty political work for four series now without any change to the agenda, format or personnel.
So we still get satirical news headlines presented by Ellie Taylor, the only team member with breakout potential.
Offence finder general Rachel Parris continues to do a very convincing impression of a passive-aggressive public school nightmare.
And there’s a guest slot for Geoff Norcott who, alone among the irregulars, treats it as a comedy show.
Uniquely, Geoff is also the only person introduced by his political preferences: “The voice of Conservative Britain.”
A tactic that, much like the host’s repeated references to, “BBC checks and balances”, is meant to give The Mash Report an air of neutrality but does the exact opposite, as none of the other guests are introduced as “left-wing student arse”, even though it describes all of them.
UNATTRACTIVE PRESENTING HABITS
Same applies, obviously, for host Nish, who has any number of unattractive presenting habits, the absolute worst of which is introducing the subject of race where no one else would think it belongs, including a picture of Boris’s girlfriend, Carrie Symonds, with new puppy Dilyn.
“People will lose their s**t over a nice white lady and a cute dog.”
It hardly needs me to tell you the BBC would never allow a white presenter to go down the opposite road.
Double standards and bias, though, are the calling cards of The Mash Report and its host, who’s one of those political obsessives who simply cannot cope with the fact the entire country doesn’t bend to his socialist will.
So he’ll angrily denounce, “Sections of the Press” (that’s us, I think), for, “Failing to hold the Government to account”, while treating obvious anti-Boris/anti-Brexit propaganda as absolute gospel.
Here’s Nish’s version, for instance, on Jeremy Corbyn bottling out of a general election.
“Labour don’t trust Boris Johnson enough to support a general election ’cos they fear he’ll set the date to force a No Deal Brexit and that lack of faith is totally justified.”
I doubt even Jeremy Corbyn, in his cowardly heart of hearts, believes that cobblers. I am fully aware, however, how the right-on conspiracy theories play out here.
That is, I’m only saying this because The Mash Report goes against my own political prejudices (I voted Remain) and am part of a right-wing media group trying to destroy the working-class via Brexit.
The same right-wing media group that broke the Yellowhammer No Deal crisis story, off which The Mash Report has been leeching material all series.
Above and beyond my own obvious desire to enslave the proletariat, through dumb quiz show answers, though, I am also a comedy fan, and the remarkable thing about the Brexit circus is that not once, in more than three years, has The Mash Report, Have I Got News For You, The Last Leg or Frankie Boyle’s New World Order said anything so funny it’s worth repeating.
Hardly surprising really when, rather than being part of the comedy process, all of those shows are such an entrenched and slanted part of the left-of-centre political process they’ve all removed deserving Labour targets, like Diane Abbott, John McDonnell and Emily Thornberry, from any sort of firing line.
BIAS AND STUPIDITY
It’s natural BBC/Channel 4 bias and stupidity that’s led them to that sorry pass, I think, not orders from above.
But the chances of those two networks ever changing their tone and playing fair?
Take the exact number of angry rants Nish Kumar’s aimed at Labour’s anti-Semites, on The Mash Report, multiply it by the number of times he’s mentioned the actual result of the Brexit referendum and your answer’s still zero.
Quiz show doughballs of the week
- Tipping Point: Ben Shephard:“In Disney’s 1937 animated film, Snow White shared a house with how many dwarves?”
Ally:“101” - Tipping Point, Ben Shephard:“Which decade of the 20th century was the Channel Tunnel officially opened?”
Jennie:“The 30s.” - Ben Shephard:“Prague is the capital of which modern day country?”
Harpreet:“Portugal.” - And The Chase, Bradley Walsh:“To what city was Saint Paul going when he had his Damascene conversion?”
Aaron:“Somerset.”
Britain’s Got NO Talent
THE height of optimism? Britain’s Got Talent: The Champions host Ant McPartlin announcing: “We’ll be back with the winners of Holland’s Got Talent 2017. See you in a few minutes.”
Remarkably, though, they did, and I quickly regretted the decision, as even Simon Cowell had lost patience with the process by then and was taking it all out on some Dutch dance troupe called Fire.
“It lacked imagination and creativity. I’ve seen this a million times. You’ve wasted a massive opportunity, guys.”
The miracle was he didn’t snap earlier and far more often, as there were plenty of other acts absolutely begging for the red buzzers.
Prime targets included: Mrs screechy pants, from Spain, Christina Ramos, DJ Arch, who won South Africa’s Got Talent aged three, presumably beating a two-year-old ventriloquist, and those Lebanese caterpillar dancers, Mayyas, from Beirut, whose reception owed a lot more to good manners than entertainment value.
Picking two winners was, by contrast, a much harder task. But David Walliams’ golden buzzer went to Nico And Paddy, an 85-year-old salsa dancer whose signature move is the unravelling toilet roll drop, while the overall Wembley Arena winner was correctly judged to be Canadian escapologist Darcy Oake, who now faces the usual BGT challenge of doing something “even more dangerous” for the final. A simple solution presents itself.
Get the Lebanese dancers to handcuff you inside that box, then see how quickly you escape, smart-a**e.
Great sporting insights
Compiled by Graham Wray
- Gary Neville:“What Lampard is doing is obviously obvious.”
- Troy Deeney:“I was surprised when the manager was sacked. I saw it on Sky but can’t say I was surprised.”
- Tim Paine:“We’ve done something that hasn’t been done before and isn’t often done.”
Martha the pop coddess
CALLING out around the world, are you ready for a cookery heat?
Summer’s here and the time is right for basting turkey meat.
Apologies to Marvin Gaye, William “Mickey” Stevenson and Ivy Jo Hunter for the dreadful liberties just taken with their Motown classic, but it’s not every day a genuine music legend rocks up in the BBC1 Celebrity MasterChef kitchen.
And as well as Kiss FM DJ Rickie Haywood-Williams, Grammy-nominated singer Martha Reeves was also present, marinading cod and being told off by Gregg Wallace for over-seasoning a turkey burger for her troubles.
She seemed to enjoy the experience as well.
I just hope Martha was paying proper attention to the health and safety lecture head chef at the Kricket restaurant, Will Bowlby, gave fellow team member Greg Rutherford at the tandoor oven.
“It rises in temperature to between 300 and 400 degrees.
“You do not want to look over it, ’cos . . . ”
It’s like a heatwave.
MEANWHILE, on EastEnders, Ade Edmondson has reappeared, on Jean’s cancer ward, in a characteristically happy-go-lucky mood as Daniel.
“I’ve got absolutely nothing to live for. I can’t even get aroused when Fiona Bruce comes on telly.”
And Jennifer Saunders? No. Silly question.
TV Gold
Kane Robinson and Ashley Walters’ mesmerising performances as Sully and Dushane, on Netflix’s Top Boy.
Mark Wright’s genuinely fascinating Who Do You Think You Are? drawing a direct line between Towie and the Spanish inquisition.
GMB’s hungover host Piers Morgan making such a perfect Brexit idiot of shadow foreign secretary Emily Thornberry, on my favourite show, she did the left-wing equivalent of pressing the ejector seat button and yelped: “Food banks.”
S Club 7’s Paul Cattermole appearing at the First Dates Hotel, looking uncannily like Charlie Higson.
And Goggleboxer Pete giving brilliant context to the claim the singer had been, “Beaten around by the industry”, by pointing out: “For £7.50 an hour I had my arm shoulder deep in s***. And HE’S been ‘beaten around by the industry?’”
Great TV lies and delusions of the week
- Good Morning Britain, Emily Thornberry:“Labour has been completely consistent on Brexit.”
- Strictly Come Dancing, Claudia Winkleman:“You are going to be good at it, James (Cracknell).”
- And Good Morning Britain, Piers Morgan:“Andi Peters, you are the Chateauneuf-du-Pape of TV presenters.”
He’s the Chateau d’A**e 1989, or he’s nothing.
Random TV irritations
Gemma Collins, Arg and all those other Z-list celebrities who think turning up late for everything is a charming personality quirk.
Planner-knackering programmes that last exactly one hour . . . and five minutes.
An advert for Britain’s smuggest and touchiest television network, Channel 4, maintaining, “complaints welcome”.
First Dates maitre d’ Fred Sirieix being a little bit more in love with fame than is healthy.
And Odd One Out, with Jesy Nelson of Little Mix, which really wasn’t the replacement for the Paul Daniels’ masterpiece I was hoping for or expecting.
Subtitle of the week
SUBTITLE of the week was provided by Sky Sports’ coverage of the Northern Ireland v Germany game, where I’m absolutely sure I was as distressed as everyone else to see: “Lost two nil to Germany” transformed into “Lost to Nazi Germany at Windsor Park.”
Well, fairly sure.
DAVE, Wednesday, 10pm: Comedians Giving Lectures.
’Cos Comedians Telling Jokes is just too much to bloody ask.
MOST READ IN OPINION
Lookalikes
THIS week’s winner is football pundit Danny Murphy and That Yellow B*stard from Sin City.
Sent in by Dean Edmunds. Picture research: Amy Reading.
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